Chicken / shit

Everyone wants to know what the hell my problem is. They want to get into my head and find out what makes me tick. They want to scold me and remind me that my ilk have not been significant since 1976, if they ever were. They want to find out if I am a stupid racist, a crazy asshole, or just a garden-variety idiot.

I am an undecided voter, and you can just sit there and deal with it.

Talk about a love-hate relationship.... If I lived in Pennsylvania or Ohio--even Virginia in this election--I would be continually wooed by both major political parties. They want to want me, love to love me, and need to need me. But if I read the opinion pages, I am roundly reviled for my apparent indecision. In fact, David Sedaris thinks that I can't tell the difference between a chicken dinner and a plate of feces filled with glass shards.

Is the plate of feces the guy whose running mate spent time prior to the VP nod hedging bets against him, or the one whose running mate spent time prior to the VP nod hedging bets against national sovereignty? Is the plate of feces the guy who voted for the $700B government-run penny-stock portfolio with no specific discussion of cost cutting, or the other guy who voted for the $700B government-run penny-stock portfolio with no specific discussion of cost cutting? Is the plate of feces the guy who is not afraid to finish a war in Iraq, or not afraid to start one in Pakistan?

Which over-spending, war-hawk candidate with an absence of character-judging ability are we talking about?

Maybe it's not that my ability to discern between sustenance and offal is nil, but that I am actually a ticking time-bomb of racism waiting to go off. I just need the right trigger. (Imagine David Banner meets David Duke.) Dick Meyer of NPR has done the yeomen's work of looking into some "private polls that probe more deeply into racial angles than the public polls have." These underground polls, which apparently cannot be mentioned by name, are clueing Mr Meyer into the fact that "Most undecided voters simply haven't focused on the elections yet".

It's not that I am having trouble making a choice between the guy who talks about change after he votes a party line 95% of the time and the guy who talks about reaching across the aisle to fix Washington after his most notable bi-partisan effort was the Keating Five scandal. Nope. Not that at all. It's just that I haven't been paying attention.

And the degree to which I have not been paying attention is "astonishing"....

This polling indicates something else astonishing to the politically plugged in: Many undecideds haven't really connected their negative feelings about race to Obama yet. Their view of Obama is unformed, and their negative feelings toward African-Americans could be easily triggered when they finally tune in.

      - from "Obama, Race and Undecided Voters" by Dick Meyer

Holy crap! Is he saying there's a black guy in this election? I have to warn the others!

One of the other possibilities is that I have already decided and I don't know it yet. A bunch of Canadians studied a bunch of Italians and determined that people have pre-existing notions. This could mean that people are actually thinking things ALL THE TIME! Then, when presented with stimuli, they react internally without keeping you up to date on every reaction. Can you believe that? I could be thinking something about the candidates right now and not telling you. I've got a website for chrissakes! Why would I not be telling you everything?

By the way, I am thinking about pancakes right now.... Hold on... ok, now I'm thinking about tits.... Man I gotta send that Netflix movie back.... Imagine if U2 sung all their songs with a diminutive Mexican accent.... Pancakes again.

It doesn't matter what polls you're reading, whether it's the supposed right's polls, or the supposed left's polls, or the supposed center's polls (wherever the hell the center is), Sen Obama is in the lead. But what does matter is by how much. Depending on the day, and depending on the poll, Sen Obama has held a 5-15% lead among registered voters, or likely voters, or voters who will be voting against left-handed machines in domed voting stations during double-headers. It doesn't matter that most of the Electoral College simulations have him winning by a decent margin, what is most troubling to the "decideds" is that depending on the day, and depending on the poll, the Undecided could make this election much closer than it seems. Nothing is more nerve-wracking than an insecure lead because nothing is more American than a comeback (like Rocky, and The Quarterback Princess). So if we can just nail it down to a specific generation of people, or if we can ridicule them into obscurity by calling them "infuriating creatures of tepid doom" maybe THEN we'll know who is going to win the election for sure.

There are plenty of reasons why we, the Undecided, appear so nebulous in so many ways. Maybe we are considering a candidate from one of the non-establishment parties. Maybe we've already decided on Chuck Baldwin, or Bob Barr, or Jonathon Sharkey, but the only other choice was "undecided" in the poll we took.

Maybe we just don't feel like telling you.

It seems that a whole host of anxious columnists and pollsters out there think that someone owes them this information. I'm not sure if everyone is aware of this, but the election isn't until Nov 4^th. That's when we owe the information, and that's when it will be remitted. I realize as much as the next person that presidential elections are almost punishing in the amount of information that is pumped out, but we the people who are taking our time deciding are not indicative of a problem. We are simply the people who like to work up until deadline.

You know that boss that gives you a deadline for something next week, but then every day he comes into your office and asks how close you are to being done? No one likes that boss.

We don't even have to tell anyone who we voted for once it's over. We could all just sit around and wait for the results for all I care. We owe you nothing. Are we, the Undecided, hindering the political process somehow? No. This is simply a national impatience epidemic. I realize, Mr Sedaris, that the details of your life and mind have been well-publicized, but the same behavior in kind from the rest of us is not your due.

One guy, in fact, has decided to be undecided for the duration of the campaign. Why? Because he's teaching his kid a lesson in non-partisan civics. Good for him. Now I'm thinking about writing in his name for president because I agree with his stance on education. One more candidate to extend my indecision and further try the patience of a bunch of columnists--and David Sedaris.

Tough (glass-filled) shit. They will have to wait.