« When money talks »

Setting : Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson are sitting at the Red Canoe Café in Baltimore, MD. Both are enjoying a cup of Zeke’s Red Canoe Blend and muffins. Jefferson is eating one of their very tasty coffee cake muffins, and Hamilton has one of their awesome raspberry muffins with the powdered sugar dusting that is so good it would make you scream like a girl. The two of them are reading a stack of newspapers and magazines sitting in front of them. Most of the periodicals are news weeklies and daily papers, except for one issue of Popular Mechanics that pretty much gave them both a heart attack. James Madison is also hanging around like the little hype man for Jefferson. Others show up occasionally as I see fit.

Jefferson : [reading the Wall Street Journal while shaking his head and making disdainful, accusatory noises under his breath.] “mmh… mm-hmm… well…. oh, my.” [sighs audibly]

Hamilton: [rolls his eyes, slams down his copy of The New York Post, and then slaps the table as if he’s fed up] “Alright! What? I know those are directed at me, ok? Just say whatever it is that you’re thinking.”

Jefferson : [looking over his newspaper] “It seems that your little Federal Bank should have seen this mess coming, or stopped it before it got so bad.”

Hamilton : “Are you stoned again? Look, first of all, you don’t know anything about banking or economics, so don’t act so smart. Second, THIS [pointing to the article] is not MY bank. My bank was crushed by that guy [points to James Madison].”

Madison : “This is the natural progression of your bank. It’s got your dirty, little, monarchical fingerprints all over it.”

Andrew Jackson: [enters suddenly, followed by a sheep and two guys he met on the 19 bus] “IT’S A WAREHOUSE OF THIEVES! IT’S FILLED WITH THE FAVORED, FRIENDLY, AND CORRUPT! ”

[Ulysses Grant is standing outside, having a cigar, and wondering why this is a problem.]

Hamilton : “My ‘monarchical fingerprints’? Are you kidding me? This bank has seven rulers who are all called “Governors”, it’s got 12 different regions, pays all its own debts, and has a chairman who is constantly on public forum. Believe me, this is all you, pal. It’s got your ‘distill-the-genius-of-the-idiot-farmers’ crap coming out of it like a faucet.”

Jefferson : “If it were truly influenced by the people. They would have had representatives urge an increase in the interest rates between lending institutions some time ago; they would have slowed this down. Nothing involving a national infrastructure, economic or otherwise, should have happened this fast, even if it is growth; this crisis is the result. If the people could have had a say earlier, they would not have stood for this incessant greed by these financial industries.

Hamilton : “They didn’t stand at all! They ran along with some incessant greed of their own. The People are just as much to blame as the government, but at the end of the day, The People turn to The Government and say, “how are you going to get us out of this mess?” The People want freedom in their markets, but the minute that their Mob Market becomes more than they can handle, they can’t give up their freedom fast enough.”

Jefferson : “’The People’ who are to blame are more oligarchy than ochlocracy. It is the financial royalty that we have appointed de facto.”

Hamilton : “And what are they appointed to do? Keep money flowing and growth growing, and allowing consumption run its course. This is precisely what they did because that is the only way to let your precious public contribute to the economy. Why does everything have to be so participatory anyway? Do you honestly think some kind of representative bank would have reversed this trend? The people don’t even understand what this bank does.”

Jefferson : “That’s one of its greatest failings.”

Hamilton : “Believe me, pal. It’s a good thing.”

Jefferson : “I’m not a fool, you know. I don’t think that the public at large should have a direct say in economic policy, but to have not only power and money but also power over money in the hands of so few is just as dangerous. There is a reason to distill rule through the people—[Hamilton readies a canned retort, but Jefferson cuts him off.] This is not to say you hand it to them. That would not only be unproductive but impossible. You seem to think these people act as a unit, like some kind of anti-government; as if the will of the governed and the will governor are opponents in a duel.”

Hamilton : “Oh yeah, really funny.”

Jefferson : “You are mistaking the humility of the public with unity. This Federal Bank of yours is supposed to be the fence on the sprawling ranch; to allow the nation’s people to roam, and graze, and exercise their separate freedoms in a contained manner. If all the animals want to get out, you don’t just open the gates and assume that wherever they are is your new land.”

Hamilton: “wha… uh… wait—are the animals… money? Or…”

Madison : [to Jefferson] “I told you I was the better writer.”

Jackson : [who is visibly intoxicated] “DAMN THE GATES! PROPRIETY IS JUST ANOTHER INSTRUMENT OF RULE FOR THE PLUTOCRATS! [Throws a glass of whiskey at a bookshelf.]

Jefferson : “The animals are commercial banks, and the opening of the gates is the Federal Funds rate staying low. See it now?”

Hamilton : “Uh… kind of….”

Madison : “See? You’re more of an editor. But don’t get me wrong—you’re really good at it.”

Hamilton : “Regardless, I really want you to stop calling it my bank. If it’s anyone’s bank, it’s his. [Points to Woodrow Wilson, who is sitting in a corner, drinking a skim latte, and reading a Robert Kaplan book.]

Wilson : “Excus—what? My bank? Oh no no no. That was political.”

Teddy Roosevelt: [Enters at right carrying half an elk.] “Of course. It was all political with you. Your integrity is just like your physique: subject to the winds.”

Wilson : “Well, it’s a damn good thing that bank came along eventually. When we are ignoring Wall Street for the sake of our place as the world’s hegemony spigot, someone eventually has to pay the piper. ”

Teddy Roosevelt: “Oh good god! Have you not read your own biography? The pot shouldn’t go calling the kettle black when the kettle could kick the pot’s ass.” [Advances towards Wilson, who then assumes that “Donald-Duck-fisticuffs” stance.]

Jefferson : “Gentlemen” [stepping between them] “we’ve all had a bit too much caffeine, and we are straying from the point. To wit: why do we have this bank of the federal government if it lets the economy fall into turmoil?”

Hamilton : “You keep talking about this like the central bank is doing nothing. It is working day and night right now; brokering deals, increasing liquidity in the market, insuring the mutual funds—”

Jefferson : “No. I am speaking of its role of allowing this to happen in the first place. What was the point of this bank originally? To centralize responsibility? To ensure that we had a currency that meant something? My stars, we can’t even pay money we owe to ourselves. How are we taking on the debt of private companies?”

Jackson : “UNITY SHOULD BE IN SERVICE TO LIBERTY, NOT A EUPHEMISM FOR CENTRAL CONTROL!” [He kicks Wilson in the shin for no good reason.]

Hamilton : “How can we not? Until we find a perfect system, parts of it will eventually fail. And there was plenty of failing to go around. Why have we not parsed some of the blame out to this SEC?” [Shoots a piercing glare at Franklin D. Roosevelt, who is sitting by the roaring fireplace and throwing money into it.]

FDR: [Shrugs insouciantly] “Do you have any idea how much I get blamed for? I don’t even care anymore.”

Teddy Roosevelt: “We could spend all day blaming all manners of laws and agencies. But this is not a time for words,” [cocks a shotgun] “this is a time for action!”

[Milton Friedman comes downstairs after finishing up his yoga class in the studio upstairs.]

Friedman: “I think government action will likely exacerbate the problem. That said, we don’t have much of a choice now.”

FDR: “Well we do have a choice. Unfortunately, those choices are: the government acts as an enabler for the economy or we enjoy the catastrophic fallout of domestic commerce.”

[Jefferson glances over at Hamilton and then looks back to Friedman who is re-rolling his yoga mat.]

Jefferson : “So?”

Friedman: “So… what?”

Hamilton : “So who do you agree with?”

Friedman: “That guy.” [Points to Jackson]

Comments

[The Boxcar]

Superb. If only we could reform the 602 Players and take this one-act on the road. I'm picturing FDR in a wetsuit.