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Setting: Sen. John McCain and Sen. Barack Obama are sitting at The Dubliner, a fine pub and restaurant on Capitol Hill, waiting to order dinner. A handsome, young lass arrives at the table with menus in hand.

Waitress: Good evening gentlemen. How are we all doing this evening?

Obama: [pause] Thank you for asking that. And thanks, obviously, to The Dubliner for hosting this dinner. That is a question that has been asked quite a few times in this campaign. And it’s an important one. I think—in general—we are in a deep crisis. I think over the past eight years, we’ve been told by the Bush administration that everyone is fine, and most of the time Sen McCain has agreed with that. I don’t. That’s a fundamental difference right there.

McCain: Thank you, miss, for your question. I think you get to the heart of what this table is worried about this evening. I think this table is upset, and a little bit hungry. And that makes sense. This table has spent over $700 on food this week and we are still eating. Sen Obama, in fact, has been throwing food away. Look at our records. He has half a meatball sub sandwich from the deli on Penn and 3rd that’s been in his fridge for a week. One. Week. And he never ate it. I would make sure I didn’t order too much food.

Waitress: Ok… And can I start either of you off with a drink?

McCain: You know, that’s a tough question, and there are a lot of very tasty drinks at this bar. Sen. Obama likes Yuengling, which is a fine lager made by the wonderful people in Pottsville, Pennsylvania. But one of the most important criteria is not only to find a drink that is tasty though, but also one that you are pretty sure you can spell. Again, what about a nice iced tea? Iced tea is easy to spell. I bet you’ve had iced tea before with many meals.

But it’s also going to have to be a drink that people at this table wouldn’t mind drinking this close to bed time. There’s a lot of caffeine in iced tea, and I could see that keeping The American People up for some time. I don’t think that’s what this table wants. This table can get very sleepy after dinner, and Washington wants to keep you and me awake. We can’t stand for that any longer.

Waitress: Sen. Obama? Do you know what you want to drink?

Obama: Well, Yuengling is a very tasty beer. And I’m happy to enjoy it when I can. But there are plenty of other drinks. The main issue with ordering a drink is not just about quenching thirst, it’s also about finding one that goes with the food that we’ll be ordering. That would be good if I got one of the fine sandwiches, or other meals, served here. It’s also very tasty with the Ruben or with the Monte Cristo. I think one of the fundamental questions that The American Waitress might have is, “Is this guy going to be a good tipper?” Now, I have a plan to not only tip based on the drinks, and the meal, but also the tax. I think you’re going to find that Sen. McCain will give you a tip, yes. But will you have enough money to take a cab home, or will you have to take the Metro? I think that’s something we need to think about when ordering drinks.

Waitress: Ok… I’m just going to bring some waters. Do you guys want to start off with some appetizers?

McCain: Friends, I think that is an excellent question, because you’ve gone right to the heart of what we’re here for. We are going to be ordering food. This is going to be food that should be hot, or cold, but definitely tasty. I think we can look back at my record in the Senate and see that I have ordered many tasty dishes. And especially when bringing together these decisions, the ones, for appetizers, you’ll see that I have reached across the table to make sure that we could try to appease this hunger that hits us two to three times a day. I have sat down with Sen. Feingold and sat down with Sen. Lieberman and we have agreed on ordering the Baked Brie Wheel, or we have agreed on the Warm Spinach and Artichoke Dip, and these are the kind of foods that have helped people to not be hungry. Look at our records. Sen. Obama has left that meatball sub sandwich in his fridge for a week. That’s a meatball sub that we could all be eating right now.

Waitress: Sen. Obama, do you want an appetizer?

Obama: Well, you are right. And that question is an important one. I am confident that before the band starts, there will be appetizers on the table. Aaaaaand it will be food, food that The American People enjoy eating. We could order the Spinach and Artichoke dip, and that would be pretty tasty. I think that Potato Skins have also proven to be not only delicious, but also covered in cheese. Now, if you imagine that you haven’t eaten dinner yet, and you would like some food before the main course, imagine two people who haven’t eaten. That’s why we have to order some appetizers.

Let me just say a few things about the meatball sub sandwich in my fridge. What Sen. McCain isn’t telling you is that he and the Bush administration have been allowing the Senate to eat anywhere they want to for lunch. And I need to correct some of Sen. McCain’s understanding of history here. I have never eaten at the deli on Penn and 3^rd. Six months ago, I wrote a letter to Pizza Boli that suggested they deliver pizza to the senate. More than a year ago, I suggested we all eat in the cafeteria. But Sen. McCain has been bragging about how many different delis he eats at in a week. Members of his staff are some of the people who used to work the register at the deli on Penn and 3^rd. And Sen. McCain thinks that if we all ordered sandwiches from wherever we want, eventually there will be some leftovers in the Russell building. It’s this kind of excess that has made us hungry now.

Waitress: [a little exasperated] Ok, so, if you had to pick between the Baked Brie Wheel, the Spinach and Artichoke Dip, which has corn chips and bread, or the Potato Skins, how would you rank them in order of preference? And could you try to keep this answer short? I have a lot of other tables here.

McCain: Thank you very much for asking that mind-blowing question. I think that all of those appetizers sound very good, and I think there is enough room on the table for all of them. I like cheese, and bacon.

Friends, one time, I was out to dinner with President Ronald Reagan, Tip O’Neil, Ted Kennedy, Henry Kissinger, Pope John Paul II, and Satan, the Dark Prince. We were able to order the appetizers that people like to eat. That is something I’ve done. Go ahead and look at the bill.

We can get the Baked Brie Wheel, which would fill us up. It’s something that could be eaten. There is a lot of that $700 this week that went to ordering desserts, which can be very fatty. I think everyone wants to have something to eat, and food can be very expensive. I think we can order all the appetizers, and that will keep your kitchen staff employed and will get you a good tip.

Waitress: Guys, seriously, I’ve been standing here for ten minutes, and I don’t even know if you’re here to eat or just talk about food. Sen. Obama, can you at least tell me what appetizer you might like the most?

Obama: Well, I think when you go out to dinner, you have to decide what you want to eat. I think I’ve made pretty clear that the Spinach and Artichoke dip is very delicious here. It’s got some cheese in it, and—this is one issue where I agree with Sen. McCain—I like cheese. But when Sen. McCain is ordering all these foods, he is forgetting how much exercise we’ll need when we eat all this. He wants to order a bunch of food, eat it all, and leave you a crappy tip. My plan is to order two appetizers, a sensible meal, maybe share a dessert, and leave you a good tip. Then, I’m going to walk back up Massachusetts Ave to the Metro stop over in Chinatown to get some exercise and digest, and leave you with a good enough tip to not only take a cab back to your apartment, but also get a membership at a gym.

Waitress: Look, forget it. You’re not getting appetizers. This question is coming from the kitchen: Are you getting a main course? And if so, can you at least tell us the meals that you would definitely not eat?

Obama: I’m sure you’re going to remember 9/11, and what you ate that day. I think there were a lot of people who probably made meals for other people and that made fewer people hungry. And President Bush definitely understood that food was a priority then, but then he pulled out a bunch of take out menus from the drawer in the kitchen aaaaaaaaand told everyone to order something. Now, that’s not what people in this restaurant want. That’s not going to keep your kitchen staff working, and that’s not going to get you a good tip, and that’s not going to get you a gym membership.

Let’s take the Spinach and Artichoke dip. Now, everyone at this table needs to eat, and what we have to realize is that we can’t eat everything. I want to order something that is hot, and tasty, and delicious. Sen. McCain wants to get something with cheese, but he wants to give dairy farms in France and Holland huge tariff breaks. I want to plant a spinach field in between here and the bar next door, and I want that field to also have artichokes. And I want to have a dairy farm right here on Massachusetts and North Capital. Then we can order Spinach and Artichoke dip with the understanding that those ingredients will be ingredients you can trust.

Waitress: Are you for real? Seriously, look at the menu. Just tell me the things you are sure you don’t like. Please, my other tables are being given away.

McCain: First of all, let’s have a moment of silence for how unbelievable that question was. And during it, let’s talk about that tip that Sen. Obama wants you to get. He wants you to total up the whole bill and then he’s going to take out his calculator and figure out what 17% of the total bill is and then give you that. Look at our records. Sen. Obama still hasn’t ordered a drink yet. He generally eats meatball subs from the deli. He only wants one appetizer. You are looking at a total bill of $30, tops. Under my plan, no matter what we get, I am going to give you a tip of $20 that you can go and use however you want.

And let’s talk about sharing dessert. I went to dinner once with Ronald Reagan, Sen Lieberman, a senate paige, and that guy with the dreadlocks who plays saxophone down by Farragut Square. We all ordered one bowl of bread pudding. Look at our records. I have reached across the table and handed out spoons. Sen. Obama’s plan calls for us to order one dessert that he wants, and then leave you a 17% tip, and he’ll steal the silverware.

Obama: Can I just respond to the silver—?

Waitress: Hey, unless you are about to order something—

McCain: If he gets to respond, then I want—

Waitress: Look, shut up. You’re both going to get a chance to respond to this because if you don’t, I’m going to kick you out. I don’t care who you are. I am going back in the kitchen and bringing out dessert because the kitchen is almost closed. Just… at random—anything, seriously—pick one thing off the dessert menu and just say it. I don’t even care if you want it anymore. Just say one thing off the dessert menu. Actually, you don’t even have to say anything. Just use your fork to point to something.

Obama: Understanding that dessert is on the horizon and that we may have to make a choice about what dessert to get is one of the fundamental challenges of this meal. I think we won’t know what’s on the dessert menu until we look at it. But here’s what I do know. There are a lot of desserts that I might not have been able to eat at the conclusion of this meal. But a lot of the other patrons here at The Dubliner skipped dessert. Because of them, I can eat some of the best desserts in the entire solar system. I’m sure the same will be true for you when you get off your shift. The question you have to ask yourself is: will any of those desserts be available? I want to make sure you can eat those desserts on clean plates with a nice glass of milk or maybe a cup of coffee. That’s why I came to dinner tonight.

Waitress: Sen. McCain, seriously, this is it. You either tell me what you want to eat, or I am putting in two orders of Sherry Trifle and putting the check down.

McCain: Well, thank you for that life-changing question that strikes directly at the issues facing this table. And I can see why you have so much haste and curtness because this table needs to order dessert. And I want to let you know that I have eaten dessert with Sen. Chuck Shumer. We ordered pudding.

So I don’t know what’s going to come out of that kitchen. But I have spent my whole life understanding that dessert should be delicious, and eaten. My father ate dessert and so did my grandfather. I want you, as our waitress to look at my record and see that I like dessert. And I want to let you know that when we are eating dessert, or choosing dessert, the fork in my hand will be pointed towards opportunity, and towards America.

Waitress: Get out.